Friday, November 16, 2007
to the boys that I have loved before...
A Rough Draft.
"Every woman has a grave deep inside of her." - Mush
This is a casting call. For men to please step out of the gender roles they play and take a look at what's buried inside of you so that we can connect. Maybe I'm just going through some shit right now, but foreal, I need to know the men that I meet in times of their own vulnerability. I don't mean to set a standard. It is far from what I am requesting. I'm not asking for Prince Charming, Hercules, Jesus or Tiger Woods or Justin Timberlake. I don't want a tokenized male figure. I need to know men who are real enough and ready to love. Because there is no room for swagger, machismo and ego. They take up too much space.
To all boys: I need this because I am your friend. I know men who have been deeply affected by their comrades' ignorance and are just as angry as other women. This is not even about anger. Or recognizing each other's struggles. More and more, I begin to think that all Life narratives trace back to a woman. This is a blessing. I don't even want to be appreciated more and I am certainly not asking for empathy. I self-silence, I second guess myself, I put aside my own shit so that I can manage another's world. I don't say things, I say what people want/need to hear, I speak when spoken to and I am tired of carrying this around. This is about allowing myself to do anything. Do you know what that feels like? This is my everyday. And I am tired of male friends who are not down for me. To know that a proud man cannot recognize his sisters' everyday makes me feel like I am in this alone. An evident/overt display of maleness (penetrating media, present in casual conversation or packed into one's appearance) is indicative of our friendship. I can probably count only up to a handful of men that choose to give a fuck and use their privilege as agency. I don't wanna wait until you realize that you have so much to do with this as I do. If we're friends, and you don't get it, then what does that say? It is much easier for you to overlook my problems more than it is for me stop feeling. I, then, get the feeling that you don't care to know or understand what this feels like. I can't keep waiting. I can't keep waiting for you to realize that this is indispensable, continuous, and even caused by some your own actions. To perpetuate such exhibitions of masculinity, flaunted in front of my face, makes me sink back into myself. Back into a place that is all too safe and unknown to others.
Most words and actions need to be heard by someone else in order to be validated. Try speaking up hella and then some and you've just begun to dig deep into me. Everything comes from somewhere. All mannerisms, lifestyles and needs come from somewhere. If counseling has taught me anything, it has been just that.
What happened to Lillith Fair? And Lauryn Hill and Eve? Why is Making Waves (an anthology put together by Asian American Women) out of print and so difficult to locate? Why is there a lack of female representation in the music industry today? Why do men make it so hard for each other to respect their women?
Womyn/women, we are worth more.
"Every woman has a grave deep inside of her." - Mush
This is a casting call. For men to please step out of the gender roles they play and take a look at what's buried inside of you so that we can connect. Maybe I'm just going through some shit right now, but foreal, I need to know the men that I meet in times of their own vulnerability. I don't mean to set a standard. It is far from what I am requesting. I'm not asking for Prince Charming, Hercules, Jesus or Tiger Woods or Justin Timberlake. I don't want a tokenized male figure. I need to know men who are real enough and ready to love. Because there is no room for swagger, machismo and ego. They take up too much space.
To all boys: I need this because I am your friend. I know men who have been deeply affected by their comrades' ignorance and are just as angry as other women. This is not even about anger. Or recognizing each other's struggles. More and more, I begin to think that all Life narratives trace back to a woman. This is a blessing. I don't even want to be appreciated more and I am certainly not asking for empathy. I self-silence, I second guess myself, I put aside my own shit so that I can manage another's world. I don't say things, I say what people want/need to hear, I speak when spoken to and I am tired of carrying this around. This is about allowing myself to do anything. Do you know what that feels like? This is my everyday. And I am tired of male friends who are not down for me. To know that a proud man cannot recognize his sisters' everyday makes me feel like I am in this alone. An evident/overt display of maleness (penetrating media, present in casual conversation or packed into one's appearance) is indicative of our friendship. I can probably count only up to a handful of men that choose to give a fuck and use their privilege as agency. I don't wanna wait until you realize that you have so much to do with this as I do. If we're friends, and you don't get it, then what does that say? It is much easier for you to overlook my problems more than it is for me stop feeling. I, then, get the feeling that you don't care to know or understand what this feels like. I can't keep waiting. I can't keep waiting for you to realize that this is indispensable, continuous, and even caused by some your own actions. To perpetuate such exhibitions of masculinity, flaunted in front of my face, makes me sink back into myself. Back into a place that is all too safe and unknown to others.
Most words and actions need to be heard by someone else in order to be validated. Try speaking up hella and then some and you've just begun to dig deep into me. Everything comes from somewhere. All mannerisms, lifestyles and needs come from somewhere. If counseling has taught me anything, it has been just that.
What happened to Lillith Fair? And Lauryn Hill and Eve? Why is Making Waves (an anthology put together by Asian American Women) out of print and so difficult to locate? Why is there a lack of female representation in the music industry today? Why do men make it so hard for each other to respect their women?
Womyn/women, we are worth more.
(inspired by a series of e-mails containing lies and slander)
// posted by Janice @ 1:31 AM 
Comments:
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"I don't even want to be appreciated more and I am certainly not asking for empathy. I self-silence, I second guess myself, I put aside my own shit so that I can manage another's world. I don't say things, I say what people want/need to hear, I speak when spoken to and I am tired of carrying this around. This is about allowing myself to do anything. Do you know what that feels like?"
the sad thing is...is that i do, and i know you are speaking to all the males out there, but sometimes some women make it hard to. and gosh where are all the real men, who feel, who just don't come to you when they are wounded?
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the sad thing is...is that i do, and i know you are speaking to all the males out there, but sometimes some women make it hard to. and gosh where are all the real men, who feel, who just don't come to you when they are wounded?
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